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07 December 2007 @ 09:45 pm
Ev’ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn’t soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Black Eyes

Look away
Your stares seduce me
They offer temptation
I have no weapon

If happiness has to happen
Secrets have to be opened
How can we do it?
When it is hidden underneath

That smile
Make your black eyes sparkle
It offers happiness
It makes words useless

Do we always stare?
Upon one another
Our eyes speak of love and what may
But we build walls to block it away

My love
How do I tell you?
Our dreams, our fantasy
When reality walks away

There is no need to touch
To feel each others warmth
There is no need for a kiss
To make us one

Should we continue to deny
When emotions get stronger all the time
I need to stay away
You’re always next to me

I rather you hate me
Than love me
Anger is a pain I can handle
But loving you hurts more

Why do I have to know you?
Unable to let go
I rather be on the other side of the earth
But will it make me forget

How badly did I stray?
Should I be punished this way?
Are you the one for me?
Do my insides deceive me?

Wishing we are apart
It doesn’t lessen the hurt
Happiness is when I see you
Loneliness is when we go

I want your black eyes to hate me
Hoping that would set me free
What options do I have?
When you have taken over me

~Ray Diaz

“Never make someone a priority if all they make is an option.” ~Unknown
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: What about now by Daughtry
27 October 2007 @ 11:36 pm
A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
~My fortune cookie
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Lost by Michael Buble
17 August 2007 @ 04:55 pm
In every winter's heart
There is a quivering spring
And behind the veil of each night
There is a smiling dawn

~Kahlil Gibran

Last Friday, August 10th was my 25th year anniversary of my arrival to the United States. I could not believe it has been that long. I was only 14 years old then but it seems like yesterday, I landed at JFK looking at my grandparents, my oldest sister, my aunt and cousins who came to pick us up. This is after flying from Manila to Indonesia to Japan, to Chicago and to New York. I haven’t been back since I came and I regret it each and every year that passes by. I am hoping to be back soon and properly say good-bye to my grandmother who will be 97 soon. I have never seen a hardworking woman in my life.

25 years seems so long but as I look back, so many things has happened in my life. I thank the higher power for making most of it worthwhile and happy. I don’t want to change any of it. There are things I wish had happened differently but they eventually end up to my advantage –things always happen for a reason and you just take what comes your way. A few things I remembered:

First movie – ET the Extra Terrestrial
First Fast food – Burger King Junior whopper
First song I heard on the radio – Eye of the Tiger
First store – Sears in Livingston Mall
First job – Opening Letters at Blue Cross of New Jersey
First shoes – An Olympic brand sneaker at Payless shoes
First gift – A bike from my aunt which she later took back. I hated her for that.
First Class – English with Mr. Huber. My first class was actually Electronics but the High School lost my schedule.
First Car – Beat up Sunbird with bald tires. It was a bitch to drive during the winter.
First Gay Bar – Uncle Charlie’s East in East Orange – They won’t let me in.
First Gay Bar I got in – Private Eyes in NYC.
First Best friend – Argel and we still are – I think. I have not heard from him since he got married.
First crush – James P. I loved his hair.
First guy who had a crush on me – Gerald T. I wish I had said yes but things happen for a reason. Those tight jeans really looked good on him.

I had accomplished a lot since then, graduated college, bought my own house, traveled but not as much as I wanted to and made a lot of very good friends along the way. I am no longer afraid of a lot of things. I have failed a lot of times and had gotten up – some faster than the others. There are still a lot of things that are a work in progress. I hope for another 25 years to get those done. If I don’t get to live another 25, I am happy on what I had accomplished. Peace.

Whatever you can do,
Or believe you can do, begin it.
For boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Hey there Delilah
30 January 2006 @ 03:05 pm
To my special friends…..

Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?
Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night until you shine.
High; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?
Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high; running wild among the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.
~High by James Blunt

This past weekend I celebrated Chinese New Years with friends. It was a small gathering were we caught up on things and enjoyed the good food. Afterwards, we spent some time at a friend's apartment and have a drink and talk more about things. It something that I enjoy a lot -being with friends and babble on things that may or may not be that important. It was fun and uncomplicated. Sometimes I wish things in my life could be the same way. Later that morning, another friend of mine went to this bar called Posh to check out the crowd. It was very eclectic and people are quite friendly. The attitude is non-existent -just the way I like it. We were supposed to have a drink and leave but we end up crashing this little private party at the back. The host was nice enough to let us sit with the party goers. She was quite friendly and gave me a hand-massage -literally. She told me I look like I'm 25. She must be really drunk but the hand massage was quite good. I sometimes wish I was straight in her presence but that will never happen. She was a lot of fun. She said she is always there. I will visit again just to chat with her.

A few minutes after 3 AM (which is way past my bed time), we decided to visit another bar. On the way there, a guy on his early 20's cruised and said hi to me and I returned the favor. Maybe the host was right about how I look or maybe the 20 something was just desperate. He was quite cute but I am not in the mood. Unanimous sex is quite fun but is no longer a must have in my life. One more roll in the hay with someone I could care less will not make a difference. I am trying to keep my life simple -enforce the thought, "simplify and don't over think". It seems to work. I will take what is offered my way. I met a lot of people this way. One of them could be that special someone. I also try to erase that thought of special someone -it's a burden. The time will come. I also realized that with all my past relationships, I never stayed with my boyfriend for more than a weekend. All those relationships and I only see them on weekends. I think I can handle it if I spend more than a weekend. I never tried. Am I ready? Yeah. Maybe. I'll see when I cross that bridge. I did it on vacations which did not happen that often. I always had fun. I never realized how independent I really am. I have needs but I am not needy. Hint to self, find someone independent and is capable of overcoming boredom. Someone with a life and a job -can be a tall order. Maybe I need to further simplify. Simple things can be easily altered.

At 4:30 AM, I waited for the PATH train to take me home. I always enjoy this time of day. There are many interesting people waiting for the train. The majority are drunken college kids waiting for the wrong train. One of them was waiting for the train on the wrong track. I hope he found his way home. I did not have the heart to tell him that the train on track 3 was not running and it is only running on track 4 and he need to stop walking towards the door hoping that it would open. He needs to learn -drink enough where you can read the signs. It's that simple.
Current Mood: contentcontent
23 January 2006 @ 12:19 pm
All alone I didn't like the feeling.
All alone I sat and cry.
All alone I had to find some meaning.
In the center of the pain I felt inside

All alone I came to this world.
All alone I will someday die
Solid stone is just sand and water.
Sand and water in a million years gone by.

~Sand and Water by Beth Nielsen Chapman

Two weekends ago my grand aunt passed away. She was 84. My mom told me she died alone. She was never married. There was a rumor that she was gay and she only fell in love once with someone and she never fell in love again. Yesterday, my uncle from California called and asked me some information for the lawyer regarding my grand aunt's will. I was curious about her. I met her a few times but I wasn't able to sit down and talked to her. He told me that the burial was Saturday. She died of a massive stroke and the assisted living personnel found her a few days later when they have not heard from her. This made me really sad. I didn't want to hear that she died alone. He continued to tell me that she lived her life. She was a great teacher and she was loved by many. He also told me that her "best" friend died a few days before. She visited her best friend all the time and after the friend's death, she was never the same. My uncle continued to tell me that she had given up after her friend's death and stopped taking her medicine. I don't know whether my grand aunt is gay or straight. I don't really want to know. I was happy that she had a "best" friend. Sometimes, that's all we need. My ex-boyfriend used to tell me, "Lovers come and go but friends are forever." To my grand aunt, Peace and God Bless. I know you're happy wherever you are. If you were gay, thanks for paving the way. I'm proud of you.
Current Mood: sadsad
10 January 2006 @ 05:07 pm
"Happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely upon what you think." ~Dale Carnegie

I hate being bored. It drives me nuts. I am suppose to go hiking and then the movies with my friend this past weekend but he got really sick. I have to keep myself busy because if I don't I tend to spend money -my temporary high. I don't really want to spend money but I did anyway -I finally bought the blazer that had been calling my name for the past few months. It fits well. This time of the year nothing much is happening. Football playoffs are cool but my Giants lost miserably. I am not too crazy about basketball unless it is on the college level -it is only fun during March madness. I am looking forward to the Winter Olympics -something interesting always happens during the Olympics. It amazes me how much I know about sports -almost every single one of them. Yeah, I'm a homo but damn I love sports. The closest I played in one was basketball in high school (in the Philippines). I also did martial arts but the basic kind. I still can whoop somebodies ass if I have to -Or, ran really fast.

Another thing that I do when I am bored is to sit and think. Where is my life going? There are not a lot missing in it. I have an awesome family. I have an amazing group of friends. I have a job that pays my bills and expenses. I like what I do but it is not the most important thing in my life. I am no longer obsessed with having a dream job that pays me a ton of money. I can find another one if I lose it. I used to fear being homeless but now I have a comfortable home. I am quite happy. Then, one of my friends called me and said, "Ray I have a guy for you". Yeah, if you're gay and everyone knows it, friends and co-workers are always looking for someone for you. Sorry, I am not ready for one yet. I just got off on one and my ass (figuratively) is still hurting from it. I am not looking to hook up either. My friends in North Carolina keep telling me, "Don't be a hooker Ray. That ain't good." I love to have a boy friend. I have a lot to offer. My "shit" is in order. I don't have a lot of baggage -only a fool would say he has none. So, I thought about it. My interest is quite broad. I can be with anyone. I sometimes consider myself a chameleon. I assimilate. I will just go with the flow -don't over think, be real and trust your instincts. Yeah, I should.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.
~William Henley
Current Mood: blahblah
06 January 2006 @ 10:43 pm
By H. Jackson Brown. Jr.

1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
2. Work at something you enjoy and that's worthy of your time and talent.
3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.
6. Be generous.
7. Have a grateful heart.
8. Persistence, persistence, persistence.
9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.
12. Commit yourself to quality.
13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect.
14. Be loyal.
15. Be honest.
16. Be a self starter.
17. Be decisive even if it means you'll sometimes be wrong.
18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.
19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
20. Take good care of those you love.
21. Don't do anything that wouldn't make your mom proud.
03 January 2006 @ 03:13 pm
"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." ~Albert Camus

It's been a while since I spent New Year's Eve in New York City. The last time I spent New Year's Eve there was when I hang out with my friend Chris running around the city looking for a cheap bar to go dancing, cheered New Years in The Townhouse and got sick from mixing beer and champagne. It was also below zero degrees that night.

New Year's Eve 2005 was one of those events where I will not forget for a while. Thanks to our host Marlon for a wonderful party and a great group of guests that enjoyed every moment and alcohol. I never got close to Times Square on New Year's Eve before but this time I was only a few blocks away. Now I know why it is such a fun place to be. The energy is amazing. It is also great to get acquainted with old friends and meeting new ones. I hope that these meetings will continue for a long time. I usually do things only once just for experiences but there are some that you want to experience over and over again. Here's to a great 2006 and here are some things that I need to improve from 2005.

~Date someone who actually wants to be in a real relationship. Like the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. Mental maturity and self-confidence is the key. Of course, I need to get to know the guy first before committing to anything.
~Travel more. All my travels this year was quite uneventful. I could not even remember what I did on most of them. Those events I remembered are forgettable. I would like to drive long distances again like my trip to Michigan in 2002. I always wanted to see Savannah, GA and all the places in-between. I also would like to travel outside of the US - South East Asia maybe?
~Rediscover my creative side. I've been putting aside lots of art projects such as my oil paintings, photography and the renovation of my attic – I need to put my carpentry skills to good use. Regarding art this year I need to force myself to do it -I need new materials in my portfolio. I also need to see more theater shows. If not for my dear friend Brian I would not have seen any. Thanks sweetie.
~Love myself more. This is going to be a lot of work. I am the nurturing kind -thanks to my mother. I always put someone's interest ahead of mine. I need to rethink that.
~Go back to volunteering. I missed going to GLWD and seeing my friends there. I think they are tired of me making empty promises of coming back.

Observations of 2005:
~Mother Nature is the most powerful entity in this physical planet. If some president thinks they are more powerful, all he needs is to remind himself of South East Asia and the Gulf States.
~Best event this year is the birth of my niece. She's awesome. I am going to be the godfather. She is going to be spoiled for life.
~Best movie I've seen this year - Brokeback Mountain. Go see it.
~Worst movie that I actually went to see - The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I can't keep my eyes open on this one. One of the best nap I’ve taken.
~Best TV show - Lost. I can't get enough of Hurley. He is also the best comedy on TV.
~Best reality show - Project Runway. Two words, Jay and Austin, ‘nuf said.
~My favorite guilty pleasure - Beauty and the Geek. I hope the next one will be as good.
~Favorite Play – Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. It’s the only Broadway show I saw but damn it’s good.
~Favorite Song – Home by Michael Buble. The song just means a lot to me.
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
30 December 2005 @ 04:34 pm
"I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I am missing
And why can't I let go

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm halfway out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

There's gotta be more to life…
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm….
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well, it's life but I'm sure…there's gotta be more
Than wanting more

I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
What am I feeling like there's something I missed…."

~ (There's Gotta Be) More to Life by Stacie Orrico

2005 is almost over and what a year it was. Too many things happened this year and they seem to happen every month. January started out with my youngest sister being engaged to her boyfriend of nth year. It seems that everyone knew it was coming.

In February, my friend Jay and I as usual ventured out to Philadelphia to see the biggest flower show in the US. I think The Netherlands has the biggest in the world -as they should. The theme for the Philadelphia Flower Show was “America the Beautiful” and it has its usual explosion of beauty and design. Somehow, I always end up on the orchid's display -which leads me to buying several orchids to see if I can actually grow them. I only killed 2 and that is a pretty good record for a novice grower. I am hoping on growing more in 2006.

March came along with a lot of excitement by the arrival of my niece. My sister gave birth to this amazingly beautiful creature. I can't wait for her to walk and talk in 2006. I know she has a lot of things to say to her relatives -we just could not make out any of it right now.

April was a month of changes for me. I made a decision to quit my job at Horizon after 21 years of service. Stress has led to depression and my social life was non-existent. My life has become routine and I was falling deeper into the blue. At the end of the month, I put in my resignation. At the same month, I met up with my friend Lawrence from San Francisco on his visit to New York City. We had a good time on the brief period that we spent together and he invited me to come and visit him.

May was overloaded with changes. I decided to go to San Francisco - a respite before starting the new job. Lawrence's apartment located up in the hills overlooks the city of San Francisco and is just a few downhill steps toward the Castro. The bad thing about this vacation is I have to conform to Lawrence's schedule of waking up at 6 o' clock in the morning to get ready for work -SF businesses do not open until 10. From 7 until 10, I walk around in the Castro looking at people going to work. I felt like a hustler desperate for a trick. I get to visit my favorite places in SF but the much needed respite was non-existent. The vacation made me more stressed and depressed. This was followed by several trips to Atlanta for job orientations. There wasn't much relief in sight but when I started the new job in May 9th, it was more a relief than a hassle. I did not know that a new job can do that to you. I guess change can be a good thing. The job is great but it is a new one and 2006 will tell if this job is worth it. One great thing about this is that I can work from home which saves me a lot of money and time. I also decided to join the gym which I enjoyed greatly. My bus fare covered the monthly membership which helped with my budget. A new car did not help but I needed one because the lease was ending on my existing one. I finally purchased a Prius which is the one car I always wanted. With gas prices soaring, it was a conscious and good decision to get a hybrid. I still have to get used to not inserting the key to start the engine.

In June, I met my newest friend Marlon. It was an accidental meeting but it turned out to be quite pleasant. This is a man who never seemed to take himself seriously but it is understandable with the nature of his job. By the end of our encounter, we end up calling each other sistas which stuck to this day -we have too many similarities. At the end of June, I watched the gay pride parade -one of the best times I had besides marching in it for several years. It is not the parade per se but the company I am with.

July came and went pretty quickly, I traveled back and forth to the beach and NYC. My social life is back in full gear. I also spent the 4th of July at my aunt's house and watch the fireworks on her balcony -one of the best I had in memory. I had my family there from California and Canada and a great time was had by all. The food wasn't bad either.

Unfortunately August came and it was the month which I wish I can do over again. This is the month were I got involved with someone too young and too immature. I was on a high with all the good things that had been happening and someone up there just wanted to remind me that I need to get down to earth once in a while. The streak was over. I have to fall in love and to the wrong person. I have no one to blame but myself -the red flags were there but I ignored them. It was meant to be. I need to learn somehow not to be involved with someone with the mentality of a High School student. It’s been a while since I fell in love with someone. It has been 3 years since my last boyfriend and it was time for me to start dating again but not with someone who is 23 and lives in nowhere North Carolina! September and October were a blur. There are too many painful and stupid memories that need to be stored in those little cabinets in my head and should never be reopened again and locked forever - wishful thinking. My birthday came and went and because of the prior months, my social life went downhill. I don't remember November but I think my friends will always remember it because I could not stop talking about my past experiences. I always wondered if they would have shot me if they had a gun. One thing I know about myself is that I cannot harbor any anger inside me. It does not matter how badly people had treated me, I will forgive them. Which is not always a good thing but then I sleep better at night. With me down in the dumps, I needed to pull myself up and December could not come any faster.

December turned out to be great. I met some new friends and made existing friendships stronger. My bad experiences in North Carolina produced 2 new friends -Jennifer and Traci, which I invited to visit me in New Jersey. I called them my silver linings. Their visit to NYC was a welcome relief after the past 3 months of hell. We stayed at this cheap hotel but the room was so campy it was fun. I never been in a hotel room with bunk beds and non-matching sheets bought from a thrift store. It was a cold weekend but the fun we had made it less of a nuisance. This month also brought in one of the best "gay" movie I have seen in a very long time. The last time I enjoyed a "gay" movie like this was when I first saw Maurice. I have to apologize for labeling this a "gay" movie. It is actually a love story between 2 people and it can happen to anyone gay or straight. Brokeback Mountain was one of those movies I can watch over and over again. It is a tragic love story but it reflected how I feel about love -I love deeply and always has a hard time letting go. It will hurt me in the end but my love is unconditional. It is a numbing pain but if one day I will find someone who is willing to venture into this unconditional love, we will end up old together. I just have to notice the caution signs. The deep love that you feel beyond the physical is a wondrous experience and a high that is rarely achieved. Like Jack said to Ennis, "I wish I knew how to quit you." What I learned is that love conquers distance and time and many other things but sometimes it cannot conquer prejudices -ours and others. It is something that has to be conquered or you will end up alone wishing that you have done it differently the first time. Time is something we don't have a lot of and something that does not give us a chance for a rewind but it gives us the opportunity for a replay to learn and correct the mistakes we made in the past.

"When you wake up the world may have changed
But trust in me, I'll never falter or fail
Just the smile in your eyes, it can light up the night,
And your laughter's like the wind in my sails

Cause I know a love that will never grow old
And I know a love that will never grow old."

~ A Love That Will Never Grow Old by Emmylou Harris from Brokeback Mountain
Current Mood: contentcontent